Abraham Lincoln: from the Editors of CRACKED


This week a friend gave me a little book: You Might Be A Zombie And Other Bad News by the editors of CRACKED. People are always passing on to me anything that they come across with Lincoln stuff in it-which I appreciate. It’s always interesting to me to see where Lincoln is mentioned. This was certainly no exception. You remember CRACKED? I never read it. I think it’s along the lines of MAD magazine-which I did read as a teenager. At any rate, CRACKED, like MAD, is no respecter of persons-so why not go after Abraham Lincoln? Fair enough. Under chapter Five- Beloved U.S. Presidents the Modern Media Would Never Let Into The White House-we find Lincoln on the list. He is number five. Here’s what CRACKED says:

How beloved was he?

After naming a town after him and putting his face on two kinds of money, we apologized for the insufficient tribute by carving his face into a mountain. Then we built a body for the head and put it in a giant stone temple on prime real estate in the nation’s capital. Even this was insufficient for the mighty Lincoln, so we named a log and a town car after him. And thus he sated.

Why today’s media would destroy him

Even if he wasn’t hideous under all that face camouflage, his voice sounded like SpongeBob’s. All his transcendent, three- hour, world-changing speeches were delivered in a piercing falsetto contemporaries described as “shrill, squeaking, piping, unpleasant.” Not to mention his “flesh, wrinkled and dry” or his “doughnut complexion.” At the time, the ability to talk like a teakettle probably helped Lincoln’s unamplified voice reach the nosebleeds. Nowadays, an annoying sound can easily torpedo a presidential campaign. If you don’t believe it, just ask Howard Dean how he’s been doing lately.”

Well, there you have it. It wasn’t too bad really. I noticed some college level words in the paragraphs. I guess such reading isn’t for teenagers anymore. Or have we “dumbed up?”

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